The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
I need Him now more than ever, more than when I was losing all those precious babies in utero. More than when I was dealing with confusion and self loathing in high school. More than when I wanted to just give up in college. I always wonder what He is preparing me for. Was He preparing me for this? Was He using His words to make me stronger, to make me an unwavering believer? I think we always assume He's preparing us for the rewards but now it occurs to me that He is also preparing us for the hardships.
When we are in the midst of those hardships, why is it that the first question we ask is "why"? Does it matter? Really, the "why" is so besides the point, isn't it? The "why" can't be changed and doesn't really help us deal with whatever difficulties we are facing anyway. I mean, sure, it would be nice to know. Nice to know that we are having hard times because were are being prepared for something better in the future. It would be nice to know that everything is going to turn out just fine. Nice to know that someday we will look back and say, "Remember when....Man that was a difficult time but look at all the good that came out of it. Look how much better we are now because of that experience."
I thought after losing three babies and almost divorcing my husband, that my faith had been strengthened because I had come out the other end better off, stronger, more involved and in love with my faith. I thought, "Wow, I'm so glad that happened because I see the goodness of the Lord and now I can look back at tough times and truly know that everything happens for a reason." I thought that I could face difficult times again and be unwavering in my faith and trust that He will provide. I have seen His glorious work first hand. He showed me His goodness, why am I unable to trust blindly, let go of myself and allow Him to carry me to the other side?
It's not just that I know I should, I really want to let go, trust, and believe in His path. I'm just so scared. Scared of the unknown I guess. Back when I encountered problems before, it was just me, I was only responsible for me. Now those problems don't just affect me, they affect my four beautiful, precious, innocent, carefree children. I want to keep them that way and shielded from all the grown up problems that my husband and I are dealing with right now. It is so hard, I feel consumed by the problems. I want to crawl into bed and go to sleep until my husband comes in, tells me everything has worked out, and then resume my normal life.
This scripture really speaks to me because I feel like the last 8 years He's been preparing me for this moment but somehow I don't know what to do or I'm too scared to do what I know I am supposed to do. Please God, continue to walk with me and show me the way. Help me see Your guiding light. Thank you for the many gifts you have bestowed unto me, especially the gifts of my beautiful children. Please help my husband and I navigate these dark and murky waters that we find ourselves in right now. Please lessen my fear and help me protect my children from the worries that plague me.
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